RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS

Relationship red flags are those little bits of information that we get from the way a person behaves or something they say that warn us that things may not be quite right.  Sometimes these bits are really clear and scream the message:

“WARNING! WARNING! DANGER AHEAD! DON’T DO IT!”

Sometimes they aren’t so clear and you can fool yourself into thinking, “Ok. Not so good, but not so bad.” It’s easy to do. Especially when you want the relationship to work really badly.

But think about this… when you see a red flag on a beach warning that it’s dangerous to go in the water, do you ignore it and go in anyway? Do you see how far you can wade in before things get really dangerous? Probably not. Why then, when you see a relationship red flag, do you think it will be ok to jump right on in?

Red flags are meant to make you sit up and pay attention. You can ignore them, but if you do chances are that at some point they are going to come right back at you.

Here are some red flags to look out for.

1. CATEGORY: Only if you like playing second fiddle

If any of these sound familiar, then you’re probably not number one on your partner’s list, and possibly not even number two.

a) Your partner compares you to exes whether in a positive way such as “You’re so much more fun than my ex.” or negative way “Nobody was as much fun as my ex.”

b) Tells you things like: “If I still didn’t have feelings for X, I could really fall for you.”

     Either way, the ex is not off the brain and there are three of you in the relationship.

c) If your partner criticizes you or makes fun of you whether when you’re alone or in front of others, that’s never good.

d) And if someone else is criticizing or making fun of you and your partner either says nothing or joins in, that’s not good either.

e) Exchanging sarcastic comments or joking insults between the two of you, even meant to be in good fun, can hurt and over time can and probably will cause damage to the relationship.

2. CATEGORY: Taking advantage of your money, honey

Money issues are a big one, especially if one partner is taking advantage of the other and/or taking it for granted that ‘what’s yours is ours and what’s mine is mine’.

a) You buy a laptop and use it all the time. Next thing you know, your partner has taken over your laptop and you can only use it when they aren’t. They may even suggest you buy a second one.

b) Your partner feels it’s ok to ask your parents for things like the paintings on their walls or some piece of furniture or any other of their personal belongings. These are things you never thought to ask for because they belong to your parents.

c) Other things to look out for:
– your partner is just too interested in how much money your parents have or how much their stuff is worth.
– your partner asking how much money you have or how much your stuff is worth, ESPECIALLY when you have just started dating.

3. CATEGORY: Communication

It’s great to feel like you can talk to your partner about anything, knowing whether it’s a major or minor issue, you’ll be taken seriously. On the other hand, these are communication red flags:

a) You are nervous to say what you want because you fear your partner’s reaction or are worried that you will just be pushed aside, so you stay silent instead.

b) Your partner doesn’t want to talk about their issues or feelings, creating an emotional distance between you.

c) Your partner doesn’t listen to you, or treats you are saying as unimportant. They may even say things like, “I don’t want to hear about this again.” Or “Really, you had a bad day at work? So what? Everybody does.“ 

d) Moodiness – ah, the dreaded silent treatment when they storm off and refuse to speak to you, or deliberately ignore you.

e) Shouting or screaming at you is not an acceptable way of communicating EVER, unless they are screaming at you to get out of the way of a moving bus. Shouting at someone in anger is verbal abuse and should not be tolerated at all.

4. CATEGORY: Other people’s views of your relationship/partner

a) When one of your friends or family members doesn’t like your partner, that may not be a red flag. It may just be a personality clash. However, if most of them don’t care for your partner, that IS a red flag.

b) Your friends aren’t really excited about hanging around the two of you. In fact, you constantly hear excuses as to why they can’t get together with you.

Do a little digging and ask them why. Remember, they are seeing things from the outside. When you see things from the inside and with emotions, it’s a whole lot easier to fool yourself or to ignore things that may not seem quite right.

You might not like what you hear, but keep in mind that your family and friends will usually have your best interests in mind.

5. CATEGORY: Controlling Behavior

Any form of controlling behavior is a GIANT red flag. There are different levels of controlling behavior, from something that is quite clearly control to the ‘hmmm… not sure what that was’.

a) Your partner makes no effort to spend time with your family and friends and will criticize them or complain about the time you are spending with them. This ‘divide and conquer’ strategy can lead you to isolate yourself from your family and friends in order to keep your partner happy.

b) You get into a fight and your partner threatens to break up with you. This is very manipulative. It is meant to scare you and put you in a weaker spot so that you behave or respond the way they want you to. If it happened once, it will likely happen again. You can always take them up on their offer and walk away.

c) Criticizing, putting you down, scolding you, or making fun of your opinions can seriously damage your self-confidence.

6. CATEGORY: Gaslighting or Why do I feel like I am going crazy?

The term gaslighting comes from the movie Gaslight. The 1944 version starred Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer adapted from a 1938 play by Patrick Hamilton. The character, Gregory Anton, played by Charles Boyer, basically marries and then plays a whole lot of mind games with Paula (Ingrid Bergman) in a plot to drive her insane so that he can have her locked up leaving him free to try to find and steal her jewels. It’s a great psychological thriller, and unfortunately, one that does play itself out in real life.

The goal is to have power and control over you. Lies flow freely as your partner starts planting seeds of doubt in your mind so that you question your own reality and judgment. You vow to try harder, to pay more attention. The incidents will become more frequent, until finally you really wonder if you are going crazy. Here are some examples of gaslighting.

a) Your partner comes home late or you can’t reach them. When you ask where they were, your partner says they told you last week they were going out and may even say “You know you have a bad memory. You can’t remember anything.” Meanwhile, the reason you can’t remember is because they never told you in the first place AND they know that, but they are so convincing that you really start to wonder if you just forgot.

b) You come home from work excited because you received praise and your partner says, “That’s good, but I don’t see the big deal about it. Anybody could have done it. I certainly could have.” Now, you doubt your own achievements.

c) “It’s all in your head.” Your partner says that to you and you start to wonder if you’re losing it or going crazy or if your judgment is completely off. You start apologizing for things that you didn’t do.

d) You are accused of making stuff up. Your partner promised to take you to dinner on Wednesday so when the day comes, you are ready to go but your partner says, “What? I never promised that. You’re making it up.”

If any of the above ring a bell, then sit down and think about what is going on. These behaviors can cause a lot of damage and chances are your partner will continue to say that you’re the one with the problem. 

Remember: without respect there is no real relationship.